thinking in the dark

ha

2005-03-20T22:18:45Z

why bother reading my journal to leave a commment, if you want say who you are...im a grown man...grow the fuck up///yes i miss my friend...bfd...you know nothing about me...and if you do, then step up, dont hide like a child...thanks:-)

i read your name

2005-03-20T18:21:09Z

in the paper. so you moved to third base...good job..one day i hope to see you play again. i miss you.

me

meenypnts @ 2005-03-11T12:50:00

2005-03-11T17:51:20Z

sometimes things arent meant to work out i guess...wtf.

meenypnts @ 2005-03-09T18:57:00

2005-03-09T23:58:24Z

myspace is much cooler than this place...on another note, fuckling my aol account doesnt work, wtf is up with that shit. someone stealing my password. i dont know, or my fucking dumb bitch mom might have locked my account...fuck..

its wierd

2005-03-01T01:07:00Z

zoloft is the wierdest drug. i havent taken it in like 2 weeks, cause i havent been able to see the dr. but i have had so many emotions in these 2 weeks. zoloft makes you emotionless i realize. i have cried and thought so much in the past 2 weeks. i have thought about my whole life. how i miss living in CA...god it seems so long ago. i miss some of my old friends, not the baseball friends i had, but friends in cali, and othetr places. i have also had dreams about the summer and our all-star team. i cant believe we were one of the best teams in the nation, in the world. we are the best in va and was one of the best period. god it so such a emotional roller coaster. but it was so so much fun. you dont know how it is until it is past you. i havent talked to really anymoe from that team since it all ended that day in georgia. what a ride we had, our whole summer we were together, and when that is gone you begin to miss it. i remember the speech i gave before the bristol game-hoe the tem was so torn, how it was such a emotional game, and people left the room crying. and pauly went out ther,e and pitched his heart out. fuck i have had many things i suck at, but i have a gift when it comes to coaching. that speech i know meant alot. that whole team meant alot to me. this year, i want to change so many things in my life. i just want to let go of the past and have new memories and be happy. but god last year was such a good year, an up and down year...i just hope this year is as eventful as last.

i think

2005-02-26T08:07:25Z

im going to start writing in this thing again...god so much has been going on. first point that is good. i have quit smoking for good. thats it, i wont light up another cig...one thing im proud of.

goodbye live journal

2005-01-27T12:13:05Z

dear live journal,

i have been writing in you for about 4 years off and on. we have had some good times and some bad. i have so many memories of me and you..i have used you to vent, to cry, to smile, and to communicate to other people. im sorry to tell you but i think i am going to take a long break from you. Its not that i have found a better place to blog, i just cant take some of the things i read, or dont read. its about time i move on to something else...i wont delete you like some other people do...i believe all my memories with you are very important. I just cant see forgetting you...but i am one of the forgottens, and its sad. so i must go.

Love,

me

alright i have a new place to blog. so if you want to continue to read about my so called life leave a comment and ill tell you where to go.

im glad to know

2005-01-26T20:24:59Z

the extent of our conversations is 10 seconds long...so much for knowing you.

I fell asleep across lines you'll never even understand

2005-01-26T08:19:54Z

You can't imagine how painful it is to watch you slip through my fingertips, and feel promises and words flushed out and watered down.
I'm losing you, and I wish that which we were bound by was still as tight as this knot forming in my stomach.

I want to scream acorss the sky, cursing the cloads as they float by...

finally done

2005-01-24T08:09:12Z

so after months of trying to learn how to sing with some voice lessons, and endless time writing music with my new band, our 3 months have paid off now we have 2 studio singles. they sound great. my voice i would say is above average now, i finally found the perfect lyrics. now im ready to let people hear it and comment. so all my friends all the list leave a comment you want a cd. ill burn it for you, mail it to you, get it to you somehow, and include a copy of the lyrics and even tell you my state of mind when i was writing the songs. i dont think my band will ever be anything big, but hey, what do you have to lose, its all free and you get to bash me lol. so please please, even if you barebly read my journal, comment so i can get you a cd, its something im finalyl proud of. i want to share it with everyone i can...thx bitches///

the deal is this

2005-01-20T23:43:19Z

i slept all day, and in sleeping i dreamed all day. and guess what my dreams still haunt of that person. how the fuck can my dreams still be haunted by that person after so much time. its misarable.

so of course

2005-01-20T06:15:15Z

i got yelled at tonight for another dumb move i made. so my mother tells me she is going to make me work at mcdonalds and flip burgers. yea right that will happen. fucking stupidness. i cant stand it.

i feel accomplished today....maybe there is sun on the horizon

2005-01-20T00:01:30Z

I want to lose the feeling in every body part but my lips and free myself of all inhibition. I want a dictionary in my back pocket and to have everything that I'm feeling pasted in words all over my body. I want you to write my story with those syllables and never stop pressing your kiss to mine as your hands do the busywork.

Have you ever spent time wondering how someone could love something about you that you're not sure you even love about yourself?
Much time has been spent on contemplation today; there're so many elements about the big questions - life, paradox, wit - that are so boundlessly perplexing. Now how do you proceed? Is it ratiocination and concatenation? Or do you stand back and allow coruscation?
I just keeping looking straight into the eyes of tonight, hoping to catch a breath.

who really

2005-01-19T15:39:06Z

reads this thing anyway...i found a new place to write...i think i will go there. maybe this journal will stay around for memories. anything else though, is just a game to me....if you read comment--maybe ill keep writing...otherwise---if you want to know where my new home is....its not in your arms.

meenypnts @ 2005-01-18T17:29:00

2005-01-18T22:32:14Z

im really not sure why i do some stupid things. guess what i did all day, slept til 3pm. i think that is a major sign of some kind of depression. i really really need to go on vacatio. i really need to get my tax money back. i also need some new friends, maybe i should go out a couple more times than i normally do. i dont fucking know. anything to occupy my time. a new job might help. fuck if im going to be lazy might as well get up and go to work and make some money. one of the best and funniest things i did last week was go shopping. even though i was by myself it gave me a good sense of self worth. blah.

dear you,

remember when we took the pooch to the creek and i kept throwing her in the water.

good times

...

me

weekend was...

2005-01-17T06:28:26Z

well it was the weekend. did nothing. went to see white noise tonight. very, weird and scary. went to the mall saturday night. for no reason to buy a milkshake for some reason, and to just people watch. ive been a bit lonely i think. to be quit honest, i really dont have any friends. hesham likes to go out and drink, and get into trouble, not really my thing. the other people i use to hang out with was the baseball team, well we all know how that is. jaime called saturday. i guess my dad hit speed dial on our phone, and it rang to her. she called back, it was wierd to hear her voice. we didnt talk, it was just one of those why did you call me things. i dont know. i just dont know. i really fucking dont know. i havent been sleeping well. just kind of off and on, being lazy, not knowing what to do. oh went drinking with andre, quinn, and there wives friday night. got hammered up. but nothing exciting really happened. old people have drama like us young people its nuts. didnt go to the horse track this whole weekend which was good. actually i went out and bought some shoes, a hat, and a new hoodie. i guess that was productive in some sense of the word. otherwise thats my update. same shit---doing nothing with my life and meeting people.

I just had this feeling....

2005-01-14T21:07:20Z

For some reason, i know one day, somewhere, somehow, we will be together again.

meenypnts @ 2005-01-13T18:30:00

2005-01-13T23:31:52Z

nothing much going on. about to go on vacation for a bit. get some sun. think about how i am going to make this year better than the last. im going to try so hard to quite smoking. actually i want to start going to the gym. i heard it is good for stress. who knows if i will be motivated enough. i have been laying around in my bed the past week, doing shit. my parents are getting angry about it. but for some reason i cant help it. i need some motivation for something, anything. hopefully something good and unexpected will happen soon.

meenypnts @ 2005-01-09T00:30:00

2005-01-09T05:31:08Z

went to giant. clarence coursed me to smoke some pot. go figure, i miss working there though, i miss alot of things. some days are very sad. wrote someone today. other than that another worthless day.

sometimes

2005-01-04T10:36:45Z

your ego has to be left down. what a blower last night was.

meenypnts @ 2005-01-03T06:56:00

2005-01-03T11:58:57Z

A retrospective glance and all I'm left with is two handfuls of raw emotion I never thought I would be able to touch. Dashing the skeletons and waiting on truth, desire's never been the dictator like it is now - the forerunner in this race that I scant knew I was running. But god, it feels so good. I'm starting to see like never before, and this is the first step in coming into something that's finally me.
Tomorrow is my fucking vision, and on new years your lips are the only ones I wanted at midnight.
Lonely streets, borders, boundaries and absentees - it's a reminder of just how fleeting everything is. Emotions as well as presences waiver in and out, and I'm trying to find the medium of how I'm allowed to grasp and what I cannot touch. There's a scent that evokes a need to leave but I know this is only temporary, and I know I'll see you again under a burning California sky where, as I lie next to Promise and Desire, I'll be able to say, "This is what life is supposed to be, no matter what happens when I wake-up tomorrow morning and have to start the motions again."
Lips left alone at the new illumination becuase I didn't endeavor even try to feign the texture of your lips of which I am unfamiliar, but not unsettlingly unfamiliar, for forging a simple temporary satisfaction when my heart speaks one thing during three numbers on a clock is misleading and unfair.
I will find solace in the eyes of others when their hands hit my backs in gentle embrace, or their smiles tell me all the things I need to know knowing that though I retire to an empty home, I'm not so vacant, for friends bridge the gap over which my heart is reaching.
The rest comes later, and we all know that. I did not try to feign your lips. i always will have this kiss.

meenypnts @ 2005-01-02T00:49:00

2005-01-02T05:51:50Z

tommorrow i will write about my yearly review. things seemed kind of bleek but thank god i dont have to go anywhere any time soon. last night at midnight i sat outside my house, looked at fireworks like 3 miles away in monclair, and thought about what a up and down year it was for me. last year i was at jaimes i realized as well. such is life. i think i need to take on a new hobby since apparantly i cant coach anymore. todays weather made me think so much about baseball and realized this year when spring comes i wont be on the field. wtf. im going to shoot myself.

meenypnts @ 2004-12-30T14:45:00

2004-12-30T19:45:51Z

i fucked up. really really bad. leaving for alabama tonight. to all my friends, i wish i could explain. jaime good luck with everything, read through the journal to remember the shit we have been through. ill mail you sometihng soon.

front to center

2004-12-29T07:47:10Z

so i talked to jaime today on aim. i thought it was ok to im her since i heard she tired to call me the other day, but of course my phone was turned off...go figure i miss calls i want to take. i dont know what to say about our convo. i mean, i got to say sorry, i guess thats all i really feel right now is sorry. sorry for myself, sorry for all the shit i have been into the past 3 months. the only thing i am happy about is the new year. you see when a new year comes around people think its some sort of new life cycle, everyone uses it as a stepping stone for resolutions, and always say im going to do this in the new year. but imn reality when you wake up your still the same fucked up person you were when you went to bed on dec 31st, the 2004 just changes to 2005. I am going to make a confession right now, i have no direction in my life. none i dont know what the fuck i want to do and when i want to do it. i was happy when i coached, but i cant even do that anymore. i was happy when i had people look up to me, look to me for advice, and guidance. i was happy when i knew i had a friend that would always be there. i was happy when i thought she was the one, maybe she still is. but im still unhappy.

dear you,

There's a light on across the water, and the wind is spelling your name. It's no accident. The absence of snow isn't pressing because there's frost over the ground and it's still frozen for us to walk over - we'll decorate your eyelashes in any way we can another night, even if there's nothing falling from the sky. Tonight I wish I could fly from A to B, spread my wings or even those of another, just to land safely in a place I want to make mine. I hope the words will reach in time, and strike the right chord like a last chance shot towards the stars. My fingers are doing the talking right now, and not my mouth. Let's keep this a common theme when we reach step two. dont ever give up on hope. its all we have right now.

Love,
Me

merry x mas

2004-12-25T05:20:23Z

well its 12:11 christmas day. man things have been so wierd lately. last year at this time i was working at giant. i went there the other day and saw how busy it was, talked to clarence, and really missed it. i sacrificed that job to go to states and regions with my baseball team. that was the best time i had in my life, but also such a turning point. i miss it so much, i first kissed courtney around this time, jaime came to my house last year for a breif moment, i went to her house her mom got me a nice gift. right now im in such distress in my life. i am gambling more than i want, i owe people some money for dumb things, i have stolen from my parents and at some point they are going to find out. I miss my sister more than life itself. I miss jaime. I miss being stable. my dad told me today how my step brother just bought a house with his wife, he has 2 dogs, he sounded so proud. he is 2 years younger than me. im such a failure and dissappointment. Maybe im a really late bloomer. i only have one christmas wish, just one simple wish...

can anyone grant it....

maybe next year will be more eventful than last, i dont know how it can be, when you read my review it will be long, and happy and sad. things are ever changing. i just want to make someone smile again, make anyone happy...but it hard when i cant even make myself happy.

SSIKSIHTHTIW